Why Do Friends Stop Talking to Each Other?

Two people, two different worlds with different realities and their attributes. Friendship between two people is essentially a coincidence or similarity in the value of attributes. By "attributes" I mean here a specific environment (real, imagined, virtual), shared hobbies, shared activities, late-night walks, long conversations, interesting books, films on topics of interest to both, alcohol, cigarettes, and the like. Attributes carry very great weight in relationships. When attributes change, there is little to bind two people, two realities together.

Films and books frequently play out the scenario where old friends meet after many years, having long carried warm thoughts of their friendship in their memories, and then begins the tentative probing - is there still anything connecting them or not? Most often it turns out that attributes have changed for each of them - a different job, different relationships, family, children, new interests, new acquaintances. All that remains is lingering in memories of "the good old days" and nothing else takes shape, the conversation finds no other direction.

Essentially every friendship has a point of origin that can be named - "it began when he sat down next to me at the school desk and started eagerly talking about playing guitar", "it happened when a hitherto unknown chatty girl at the announcement board for university entrance exam results suddenly threw her arms around my neck and, overjoyed at having got in, was ready to kiss me", "I felt it when everyone had rushed away but she was the only one who stayed with me after the event to arrange the hall for the next day", "I heard him when he was the only one who appreciated my run over the 100-metre distance, when no one else had paid any attention to my effort, let alone my not particularly outstanding results", and so on.

Almost from the first sentences you understand that both are "speaking the same language", a rapport is established. They say - friends understand each other from half a word. They even speak in a vocabulary known only to them, full of abbreviations, multi-layered words, expressions and catchphrases relevant only to them. Acquaintances, of course, understand each other and feel comfortable together, but still need to speak in full sentences - in case of misunderstanding, in case of offence.

Experience shows that each of us develops a wider or narrower circle of acquaintances, but true friends are only a few, or even just one (a genuine one). Most interestingly, those "real" friends come precisely from childhood, from school or student years. It is in youth, when a person actively absorbs information, develops new skills and abilities, forms or consolidates values, that lasting relationships are also formed. With years a person becomes increasingly lazy, no longer wishes to let anything new into their reality, wishes to change nothing, and as a result closer friendships no longer form - only acquaintanceships.

Friends usually stop contacting each other not out of ill will (unless something extraordinary has occurred), but when the value of their shared reality's attributes no longer coincides. It is pleasant to hear from a friend - "I am so glad I have as crazy a girlfriend as myself, last night's party till the crack of dawn, teasing the lads, it was super". But now one of the friends has a family, a newborn baby, and such an attribute as partying till dawn loses its value. The other is still free, a natural leader, but what can you do alone - you can't stir up much trouble by yourself. At increasingly rare get-togethers one chatters about her little one, while the other simply nods along - "yes, I understand, yes, of course, that's important to you". This is one example. Attribute values can shift not only with marriage or the birth of a child, but also with a change of profession, position, or place of residence, and the like. Then the moment arrives when friends must work on their relationship. Questions arise - how willing are we to adapt to each other, to give ground? How willing to sacrifice time and energy on maintaining the relationship? How much can we give without asking for anything in return? How able are we to listen without feeling self-interest? And ultimately - are we ready to accept that our friend and their values have changed? How willing are we to change ourselves?